I Didn't Start The Fire (Because I Don't Know THE WORDS)

Before I get to the task at hand, I have a public service announcement.

I was in the market for a new deodorant, and, as J was at the drugstore last night, I asked him to pick some up for me. Ordinarily, my deodorant purchases involve me surreptitiously clicking the deodorant base up (to raise the plastic protector thing under the cap, of course) so I can see what it will smell like. And there I stand, sneakily sniffing the myriad choices like some crazed addict in order to find the best scent. (I CAN'T BE THE ONLY PERSON WHO DOES THIS! OTHERWISE, HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'LL LIKE THE SCENT??) Since J was already in the store, however, I decided to leave things up to him. I wouldn’t expect him to engage in the same psychotic deodorant-smelling routine that I do, so when he called me from the store rattling off some of my options, I picked one that I thought sounded nice...Asian Pear. Sounds promising, doesn’t it?

After my shower this morning, I applied the Asian Pear deodorant. “Hmm,” I thought to myself. “Smells…aggressively fruity. ” Still wanting to give it a chance (and lacking any other options, aside from borrowing some of J’s Powerful Clean Manly Man-smelling stuff), I shrugged and went out the door.

It was not unseasonably warm outside.

I did not run.

I did not sweat.

I did not engage in strenuous exercise of any kind.

And yet.

Within an hour? I REEKED.

Asian Pear and I do not mix; once on, it smells like a combination of Juicy Fruit and death.

It’s ungodly.

Consider yourselves warned.

Now on with the show!

The "Four Truths and a Lie” contest is closed. As per our agreement, I will now divulge the answers, and crown a winnah!

1. I have coated my entire head in Vaseline --TRUE

A lot of you thought this was false. Oh, if you only knew.

First of all, let me just say that I was an only child for five years. You know, if that helps to explain anything. During this time, my parents allowed me to watch only PBS programming (and my beloved tape of Free to Be…You and Me). Consequently, I spent a lot of time with the good people in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.

The armchair psychologists among you can make of this what you wish, but I adored King Friday. He lived in a castle in The Land of Make Believe! He had limitless power! People bowed down to him! It all seemed very enviable. I had a King Friday puppet that I loved; he had a plastic head, complete with a molded pageboy hairstyle, like so:

Anyway, one day when I was about 3 or 4, I strolled into the bathroom and found a tub of Vaseline. I proceeded to scoop out gobs of it with my hands, and coat MY ENTIRE HEAD with it.

My mom found me, and after nearly suffering a stroke (or so I assume), she asked me what I was doing. According to family legend, I did a little bow and said, “Mommy! I’m a KINNNNNG!” I proceeded to explain, in a 3-year old way, that I was trying to mimic the stiff, molded hairstyle of my favorite plastic puppet/Mr. Rogers character.

It took many, many washings, but my hair recovered, and let me tell you, people: my mane is SHINY. Ahead of my time, I tell you.

2. I know all the words to “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” -- FALSE

This was the lie. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve long had a habit of making up my own versions of this song. But try as I might, I’ve never been able to memorize all of the words to the song itself. I’ll be off to a strong start with “Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray…”and then despite having heard the song approximately 90 billion times, I completely blank out.

There were six of you who got this: Stefanie, Rockycat, Allison, Lara, -R-, and Squindia. I placed all of your names in a very pretty brown hat. (Oh. I have a massive hat collection. That’s probably a discussion for another day.) And the winner is…

Allison!

(I took pictures of my whole random drawing process, and the hat, but I can’t find my USB cord to transfer ‘em onto the computer. You guys can trust me, right?)

Congratulations, Allison! Send me your address! :) Moving on:

3. I was at one point in my life obsessed with Blossom -- TRUE

Oh Lord, was I ever. I had the denim fishermen’s hat with the flipped up brim and fake flower. I imitated her brother Joey’s “WHOA!” catchphrase. And I memorized Blossom’s dance with Six from the show’s opening sequence. I MEMORIZED THE DANCE.

THIS DANCE:

4. When bored, I pass the time by thinking up names for an imaginary band -- TRUE

Very true. Some people doodle, some daydream. I make lists of potential band names. The RumpleFuglies (stolen from a line in Scrubs) was this afternoon’s addition.

5. I have been hit by a car --TRUE!!!

Many of you thought this was the lie. And I can’t believe that I never mentioned this before, but yes, I have in fact been hit by a car.

I spent my first year of college living halfway around the world with girls I’d never met before. We laughed, we cried, we ate our weight in fried cheese products and bread, and we drank. As you do when you’re 18 or 19, and living on your own for the first time.

Part of the program involved doing volunteer work, and one of my friends and I were assigned to work with underprivileged children. One day, on our way to visit “our” kids, we were crossing the street AT A STOP SIGN AND IN A CROSSWALK when a car rolled up.

My friend and I had been chatting about our plans for the evening, although she soon found the conversation to be quite one-sided, AS I WAS UNDERNEATH THE CAR.

The driver had been on the phone (although thankfully, he wasn’t driving very fast) and kept right on rolling through the intersection, into my person, whereupon I slid down precisely beneath the front wheels of the car.

I walked away without a scratch, which I attributed to the fact that we had been on our way to do a good deed. (Hey, I was young and idealistic. Sunshine! Rainbows! Butterflies!)

I’d like to say that my friend and I spent the afternoon reflecting upon the frailty of life, and contemplating our respective places in the universe, but if memory serves? We went out and got a beer.

*****

I can’t think of a proper closing for this post, so I’ll just say this: I’m going to one of the biggest football games of the season this Sunday (Giants/Cowboys), and I am UNREASONABLY excited. Pictures to follow. Go Blue!

Lovely weekends to you, my pretties.

(Oh, and if you have a recommendation for a functional, non-fruit scented deodorant, please pass it my way.)